I Should Have Known

I should have known.
When I got home from work and put my headphones on. When my friend called and I hit the “reject” button.When I realized I had no words left.
I should have known.

But I didn’t, so it was the next morning, when I wasn’t “sick” but I still had no strength to get out of bed. When I had no spark in me. When I did not care about anything. When I (irrationally) screamed inside my head that I’m a colossal eff-up, just a big mistake. It was then that I recognized my old pall Depression is back for another visit.

I like to think that we live in a world more accepting and understanding about mental illness and mental health, and for the most part we do. People generally are no longer accused of being demon possessed if they are depressed, and we no longer prescribe isolation as treatment for depression. But we’re still not there. Society still tends to view those who openly own up to their depression as “less than,” as just needing to go have some fun. Or you get the other side who thinks you should just pop pills until you’re so medicated you are effectively a zombie (maybe that’s where the zombie apocalypse will come from).

Now don’t get me wrong, meds can be a wonderful tool for dealing with depression, and if that’s what you and your doctor have worked out as the best treatment for you, then I’m glad for you and wish you all the best of luck. But personally, I don’t want to be on meds. For one, I can’t really afford to be on meds. More than that, though, I’m afraid that I’ll lose my creativity. I’m not the most artistic person in the whole world by any means, but I am most certainly creative. I play piano and draw in my free time, and at work I lead projects and do a lot of graphic design. I’m extremely worried that if I go on meds I won’t be able to create anymore.

So for now I cope with depression as best as I can. And I’m grateful to have a boss who may not understand depression, but at least doesn’t give me grief about calling in sick more than I probably should.

Laugh, Cry, or Both?

I found this draft while cleaning up my tagging system. I enjoyed the trip down memory lane, and since the brotherly advice still holds true I decided to add an update for 2014 as well.

 

One of my brothers recently shared with me a piece of wisdom: “If at the end of the year you have done nothing to either make you laugh, cry, or both, then you have wasted a year.” This year is not quite over, but I thought it’s  close enough to go ahead and spend a few moments in reflection.

2013 Cry-Worthy Events:

  • My best friend moved half way across the nation
  • Meeting the man I hoped to marry, only to have him decide it wasn’t reciprocal
  • Getting hopelessly lost in Fort Worth and accidentally driving into an airplane factory

2013 Laugh-Worthy Events:

  • Playing ridiculous games with my family
  • Icemegeddon causing unintended dances on the stair-well
  • Spending five minutes on the phone with my graduate school trying to explain that I am not a high school student, but am, in fact, enrolled in their grad program

Okay, now let’s try this for this more recent year!

2014 Cry-Worthy Events:

  • Family drama
  • More family drama? Outside of that it was a pretty good year…

2014 Laugh-Worthy Events:

  • Watching my 7-year-old niece and several-month-old nephew roll around in the floor laughing and giggling for no reason
  • Eating gourmet ice cream standing in the rain in downtown Dallas with the bestie
  • Sitting in line forever to watch The Fault in Our Stars with mis amigas.
  • Spontaneously attending a Stars game